Month: August 2020

Is my partner cheating on me?

Are they cheating or am I paranoid?

Unfortunately, by the time you’re asking yourself questions like these, something is already raising your suspicions.
Sometimes the first sign that your partner is cheating is just a gut feeling.

Maybe you can’t quite put your finger on it, but there’s just a feeling in the pit of your stomach and a lump at the back of your throat.

The signs of an unfaithful partner can vary greatly for every relationship, so it’s important to consider things like their personality, mannerisms, dating history, etc. before deciding to pursue your suspicions, and confronting your partner.

Every relationship is unique, and partners may express their love, affection, and communication in different ways, however there are a few common traits to watch out for if you suspect infidelity.

This list isn’t exhaustive, but if they are checking off some these boxes, a talk with your partner may still be a good idea even if they aren’t cheating.

The common ways of how to tell if your partner is cheating can include but are not limited to:

Secretive (or sudden change in) Phone Use

People who cheat on their partners may suddenly change their behavior when it comes to their mobile phones. They may begin using their phone more than usual, or become more private about its contents and contacts.

If you notice a sudden change in how your partner is acting with their phone around you, and in general, then something may be amiss. Unexplained calls, unknown contacts, being more protective of where they leave their phone are all signs to look out for.

It may not just be more phone use, sometimes the problem is that they’re using their phone less; specifically when it comes to you. If your partner starts ignoring your messages yet is always on their phone, it could be a sign that something is amiss.

Improved Appearance

Is your partner dressing better? Perhaps they’ve started exercising regularly, and made some improvements to their diet.

It’s important to consider that adopting healthier behaviors does not automatically mean that your partner is seeing someone else behind your back.

There can be many (positive) reasons that someone would want to improve their appearance, but if you notice that this type of behavior is coupled with more time spent without you, like plans with friends, work functions, and the sort, then you may just want to keep your eyes and ears open.

Significant Change in Sex Life

Couples tend to develop a rhythm, or pattern, to their sex lives (with some deviations, of course). So is it shocking to hear that a sudden change in your sexual activity could be a sign of infidelity? If you find that sex with your significant other is different than it used to be, with them being the instigator for the changes, then it wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk to your partner about it. When it comes to sex, and most other aspects of a relationship, communication is key.

What kind of changes are we talking about?

Be on the lookout for a decrease in sex drive or sexual desire towards you. This could mean that their sexual desire is fixated on someone else.

Alternatively, a sudden increase in sexual desire or sex drive may also be a sign of infidelity. A guilty partner may become more affectionate and intimate out of remorse; and a person with something to hide may exhibit similar behaviors to try and cover up any suspicions of wrongdoing.

If sex has more-or-less stayed the same, but you notice the emotional connection, or ‘spark’, is gone, or just isn’t what it used to be, that could be a sign of trouble and definitely merits a discussion. Fading emotional intimacy is a major sign of relationship trouble, to say the least.

Unexplained Expenses

Find odd credit card charges on your partner’s credit card? Do they suddenly have less money than they normally do? Bank account looking a little lighter than usual?

Changes in spending, and unexplained expenses, can be a sign that something (or someone) is costing your partner a little extra money.

By no means go out of your way to invade your partner’s trust and privacy by prying at their financial information, but do stay alert if they suddenly make excuses for their uptick of lavish spending or lighter wallet; this is especially true for those couples with joint bank accounts.

If you notice there’s less money in your (joint) bank account than there should be, something ‘fishy’ may be going on; secret dinners, gifts, vacations, and hotel rooms aren’t going to pay for themselves, after all.

Hostility, Anger, or Moodiness

Many things can go through the mind of someone that is cheating on their partner, and these thoughts and emotions can manifest themselves in a number of different ways.

It could be out of guilt, shame, anger, spite, or the belief that their actions are justified, but if you notice your partner is more irritable or hostile towards you, or other weird changes in their behavior, it could be a sign that something is weighing down their mind.

Even if it’s not infidelity, sudden changes in mood often warrant a discussion with your partner, especially if you’re on the receiving-end of some of the more nasty moods.

What should you do if your spouse is cheating on you?

If you followed the signs and have discovered that your partner is, in fact, cheating on you, it can feel like your whole world is crashing down around you. Simply put: it sucks (and that’s an understatement).

But now that you’ve found out the truth, it’s time to figure out what to do, how to cope, and most importantly, how to move on.

Remember that it’s not your fault

Sometimes people blame themselves for their partner’s infidelity. Other times, the cheater will dump the blame on the victim.

Regardless of the reason for your partner’s infidelity, remember:

It is not your fault. It takes two people to cheat. And communication is a two-way street.

So take some deep breaths, and before you blame yourself (or let yourself get blamed), remember that regardless of the reasoning behind your partner’s infidelity, they made the decision for themselves to participate.

Talk to Someone

It’s important to remember that whatever you’re going through, you don’t have to go through it alone.

Look to your support network, and talk to those that you trust and are able to confide in. Your loved ones, close friends, and family all make excellent people to talk to. If you aren’t able to rely on those close to you, consider seeking the help of a professional.

A therapist, counsellor, or support group are all great ways to get the help and support you need during this difficult time. What’s most important is that you speak to someone that you trust, and that you know has your best interests in mind.

Don’t let your anger make the (important) decisions

Almost everyone is guilty of doing or saying something that they wish they could take back, especially when our emotions get the best of us.

If you’ve discovered that your partner has betrayed your trust and cheated on you, you have every right to be angry.

Though it’s important to express your emotions and do what’s best for you, making important decisions while calm and after consideration will almost always result in a better outcome.

Don’t let your anger dictate what happens to the future of your family

Regardless if you decide to leave your partner, or give them another chance and work through the situation, it’s important to give yourself a bit of time to cool off so you make the best decision for yourself, your family (especially if you have kids), and your future.

After you’ve given it some consideration and can face your partner (somewhat calmly), remember to…

Define Clear Boundaries

Once you’ve sought the comfort and counseling of your support network, and have considered the best actions to take moving forward, it’s important to define clear boundaries for yourself, and the relationship.

If you decide to give them another chance, be sure to continue to honest communication with your partner. You want to be able to trust your partner again, and to be sure that a repeat of their actions won’t happen; and the only way to really be sure about those things is through communication with your partner. If you’re (both) determined to make the relationship work, consider seeking professional advice, like couple’s counseling, to have an expert help guide you towards a healthier relationship.

If you decide to call it quits, it’s still important to have an honest and open conversation with your partner. If you have children together, being able to communicate calmly with one another will be especially important for their (mental and emotional) wellbeing.

Whichever direction you decide to take things, you need to lay it out clearly for them, and encourage honest dialogue and communication between the two of you; even if just for the sake of closure. And remember, you’re strong, it’s not your fault, and you don’t have to go through it alone.

Nobody could have anticipated how much life would change as we headed into the new decade. COVID-19 came along in the first few months of 2020 to challenge every aspect of our lives. The highly contagious disease has left most of us in isolation as we quarantine ourselves to stay safe from the novel coronavirus.

Several months into physical isolation from other people have left most feeling lonely, agitated, and afraid. The situation around us is challenging our most primal instincts as humans, as well as our most intimate relationships. This time in quarantine, whether it means spending more time with our loved ones, or less, can be tough on everyone involved. It can, however, provide us the opportunity to strengthen our relationships through adversity.

How We Interact Has Changed

Physical isolation has made many people realize just how much human interaction plays a role in every aspect of our lives; from our mental health to our physical health.

Whether you’re now spending more time with your partner, or less, each can come with their own set of challenges.

Intimacy in Isolation: Away From Your Partner

If you’re self-isolating away from your partner, it probably won’t take long before you to start to miss them.

The isolation deprives you of the physical contact from the one you love. It can leave you craving for physical affection from your partner.

Some people have a keepsake or gift given to them by their partner, which can bring comfort to those missing their significant other. The item might smell like them, or perhaps it just reminds you of a fond memory, but having something to cherish from their partner can help some people cope with the loneliness and longing caused by physical isolation.

Many people are using advances in technology to cope with the lack of physical intimacy in isolation. Talking to your partner on the phone is one way of getting in touch with your partner. Video calling them is even better, but still doesn’t fill the hole left by their absence.

There are more specialized products like smart-pillows linked over the internet that begin to warm up when the other is being hugged. In fact, there is a wide range of more intimate devices that people are using to navigate this new climate of intimacy.

Isolating away from your partner may not be all bad, however.

A 2013 study from Cornell University and the City University of Hong Kong found that distance can, in fact, make the heart (or at least the communication) grow fonder.

This could be for a number of reasons.

Partners away from each other may communicate more about their day, and disclose more about themselves when talking with their partners. Being apart from your partner may make the interactions and conversations that much more meaningful, or make us cherish them more.

Perhaps the lack of physical intimacy can give you a chance to focus on the emotional intimacy of the relationship, and create an opportunity to have more meaningful conversations with your partner. All this time to talk may help you focus on the things that really matter in your relationship, and may strengthen and deepen the relationship in ways you may not have expected.

Intimacy in Isolation: With Your Partner

Isolating together with your partner can also bring its set of challenges. Couples might not want to rush hunkering down as a couple. People who are isolating with their partner may not be used to the amount of time they’re now spending.

This quarantine has started to make various aspects of our lives overlap with one another.

Many individuals find themselves working from home. Their domestic, romantic, and work lives are piling on top of each other, and the boundaries between them are blurring.

As these lines become more blurred, it’s important (maybe now, more than ever) to find some space from each other, and get some ‘you time’.

This doesn’t mean avoid spending time in each other’s presence. Rather, it means setting some time to aside to focus on your own hobbies, interests, and time to yourself. And this idea goes both ways, for your partner and yourself.

Having time to explore your own interests, and creating opportunities to find space that you can call your own, is crucial to living with your partner without irritation or resentment.

Studies have found that quarantine can lead to boredom, frustration, and anger. It can lead to short-term or long-term changes for a person that can link the periods of isolation with PTSD symptoms.

Like most relationships, communication it key.

If you feel any feelings of anger, irritability, or resentment bubbling up, just talk to your partner about it. Tell them how you’re feeling honestly, and what can be done to make things better. Sometimes even just a simple conversation can avoid blow-ups and arguments down the road.

The Risk for People in Abusive Relationships

For those suffering from an abusive relationship, isolation and quarantine has compounded the effects of abuse.

Victims of abuse already find it challenging to seek help from traditional sources. Now, walk-in centers that help them may closed, and more time at home means they might not get the privacy to make phone calls. It could become more challenging for victims to find reasons to leave the house to phone a helpline.

The high rate of unemployment, uncertainty, and reduced access to social support all make the situation worse. According to this BBC report, there has been a global increase in domestic abuse during lockdown by as much as 20%. The UN has described this increase as a shadow pandemic alongside COVID-19.

The governments in France, Italy, and Spain are renting hotel rooms for domestic abuse victims who do not have safe spaces.

However, the challenges can continue to persist in the long run.

If you fear for your immediate physical safety, call 911 or your local emergency service.

If you are suffering from an abusive relationship during isolation, take some additional steps for your own safety.

Contacting your support network like friends, family, and anyone that you can trust and rely on, is the best place to start.

Preparing for Life after Isolation

No matter the domestic situation you’re currently facing, transitioning back to life after this pandemic is over will be challenging (to say the least).

Whether you’re looking forward to reuniting with your loved one, or can’t wait for a little more space to yourself, it will take some time for things to get back to (a new) normal.

It sounds cliché but communication really is key, so talk to your partner!

Everyone is dealing with isolation in slightly different ways, and we all have good days and bad days. Communicating with your partner honestly and regularly will help you both survive the isolation, and may help strengthen your bond and relationship in ways you wouldn’t have expected!

So, talk to your partner. Your relationship, the situation at home, and your mental health will thank you for it.

Is it possible that you’re in an abusive relationship, and don’t even know it? Abuse can present itself in many different ways, and each one can have a profound, lasting impact on you.

Unfortunately to those living through one, it’s not obvious that you’re in an abusive relationship. Even worse, it may be a subject that the person chooses to avoid altogether; opting out, or changing the subject when it arises.

There are many reasons why people may not be aware that they’re experiencing abuse. Some don’t want to believe that their significant other really intends to cause them harm. Others rationalize the abuse, or are so used to it that they believe that the abusive behavior is normal in a relationship.

The victims may end up believing that the conflict is their faulty, and that they somehow deserve the abuse.

It’s important to be able to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship, and ask yourself important questions if any of these signs seem similar to you, or someone close to you.

Abuse Can Take Many Forms

Physical Abuse

The act of intentionally causing aggressive harm or inflicting physical pain to another person can be classified as abuse. Most people refuse to recognize abusive relationships if the aspect of physical abuse isn’t there. However, this is just one of the forms.

Emotional Abuse

The intentional or unintentional behavior, words, or language that harms, demeans, hurts, undermines self-esteem or manipulates another person is emotional abuse. This can take many forms, including name-calling, insults, threats, blaming, and withholding affection.

Domestic Abuse

A form of abuse that can include both physical and emotional abuse to exert power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship, or immediate social circle (who you live with).

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse in a relationship can take many forms. Sexual assault, or rape, are often the first ones to come to mind, but sexual abuse can also include forcing the victim to dress in a sexual way, demanding or manipulating them into having sex when they’re not in the mood, ignoring the victim’s feelings regarding sex, or sexual acts.

Signs You Might Be a Victim of Abuse

There are certain signs you should look for in yourself to determine whether you’re currently going through abuse, or you did go through it without realizing it for what it is.

• You continuously fear disappointing or failing your partner, and it causes overwhelming stress and anxiety.
• You always feel like you’re unable to win an argument with your partner, and the whole situation turns out to be your fault.
• You continuously avoid making plans with the people you love so they cannot get involved.
• You have physical bruises on your body.
• You have been forced to have sex, even if you are married, after explicitly telling them no.
• You feel constant and inexplicable unease and anxiety.
• Specific smells, behaviors, places, thoughts, or feelings can trigger extreme responses from you without being seemingly important. You may feel physical symptoms like nausea, dizziness, or rapid heartbeat. It could also be an overwhelming need to escape from the environment.

Signs That Someone You Know Might be a Victim of Abuse

You can also look for signs that someone close to you is a victim of abuse if you notice the following:

• If certain smells, behaviors, places, thoughts, or feelings trigger anxiety attacks or other extreme reactions in them.
• If they constantly make excuses not to see you face to face or to talk to you.
• If they make excuses for their spouse’s abusive behavior.
• If they are wearing clothes that may be inappropriate, but could be hiding bruises and cuts.
• If they have visible bruises or cuts that they cannot explain properly.
• If they love to feel numb by consuming unhealthy quantities of intoxicants regularly.

Signs That You Might be an Abuser

There are certain signs that can help you understand if you are an abuser to someone, including:

• You have extreme outbursts that see you physically break objects around you or lash out on your partner/children.
• You have an addiction that you cannot let go of, and you become violent or angry when the people you love try to intervene.
• The people around you look concerned by the way you interact with your partner.
• You were abused as a child by a parent or guardian, and you find yourself doing the same things they used to do to you.
• You might realize that you are not treating your partner or children the right way due to disagreement, but you cannot control your rage.

Break the Cycle

You may be a past or current victim of abuse. You might suspect that someone close to you is being suffering from abuse. You may have begun realizing your actions as an abuser, yourself. Regardless of which one you identify with, understand that recognizing things for what they truly are, and being honest to yourself and those around you are crucial if things are to get better.

If you fear for your immediate physical safety, call 911 or your local emergency services.

If you aren’t in immediate danger, reach out to loved ones or support hotlines in your area. Remove yourself from the environment, if possible. Recognize that you are not the one to blame for the things that have happened to you, but it is necessary to take the steps to heal.

Go online to find local resources for victims of abuse. If you live in Canada, an organization like the Ending Violence Association of Canada (EVA CAN) may be a good resource to check out.