21 Aug Is your partner cheating?
Is my partner cheating on me?
Are they cheating or am I paranoid?
Unfortunately, by the time you’re asking yourself questions like these, something is already raising your suspicions.
Sometimes the first sign that your partner is cheating is just a gut feeling.
Maybe you can’t quite put your finger on it, but there’s just a feeling in the pit of your stomach and a lump at the back of your throat.
The signs of an unfaithful partner can vary greatly for every relationship, so it’s important to consider things like their personality, mannerisms, dating history, etc. before deciding to pursue your suspicions, and confronting your partner.
Every relationship is unique, and partners may express their love, affection, and communication in different ways, however there are a few common traits to watch out for if you suspect infidelity.
This list isn’t exhaustive, but if they are checking off some these boxes, a talk with your partner may still be a good idea even if they aren’t cheating.
The common ways of how to tell if your partner is cheating can include but are not limited to:
Secretive (or sudden change in) Phone Use
People who cheat on their partners may suddenly change their behavior when it comes to their mobile phones. They may begin using their phone more than usual, or become more private about its contents and contacts.
If you notice a sudden change in how your partner is acting with their phone around you, and in general, then something may be amiss. Unexplained calls, unknown contacts, being more protective of where they leave their phone are all signs to look out for.
It may not just be more phone use, sometimes the problem is that they’re using their phone less; specifically when it comes to you. If your partner starts ignoring your messages yet is always on their phone, it could be a sign that something is amiss.
Improved Appearance
Is your partner dressing better? Perhaps they’ve started exercising regularly, and made some improvements to their diet.
It’s important to consider that adopting healthier behaviors does not automatically mean that your partner is seeing someone else behind your back.
There can be many (positive) reasons that someone would want to improve their appearance, but if you notice that this type of behavior is coupled with more time spent without you, like plans with friends, work functions, and the sort, then you may just want to keep your eyes and ears open.
Significant Change in Sex Life
Couples tend to develop a rhythm, or pattern, to their sex lives (with some deviations, of course). So is it shocking to hear that a sudden change in your sexual activity could be a sign of infidelity? If you find that sex with your significant other is different than it used to be, with them being the instigator for the changes, then it wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk to your partner about it. When it comes to sex, and most other aspects of a relationship, communication is key.
What kind of changes are we talking about?
Be on the lookout for a decrease in sex drive or sexual desire towards you. This could mean that their sexual desire is fixated on someone else.
Alternatively, a sudden increase in sexual desire or sex drive may also be a sign of infidelity. A guilty partner may become more affectionate and intimate out of remorse; and a person with something to hide may exhibit similar behaviors to try and cover up any suspicions of wrongdoing.
If sex has more-or-less stayed the same, but you notice the emotional connection, or ‘spark’, is gone, or just isn’t what it used to be, that could be a sign of trouble and definitely merits a discussion. Fading emotional intimacy is a major sign of relationship trouble, to say the least.
Unexplained Expenses
Find odd credit card charges on your partner’s credit card? Do they suddenly have less money than they normally do? Bank account looking a little lighter than usual?
Changes in spending, and unexplained expenses, can be a sign that something (or someone) is costing your partner a little extra money.
By no means go out of your way to invade your partner’s trust and privacy by prying at their financial information, but do stay alert if they suddenly make excuses for their uptick of lavish spending or lighter wallet; this is especially true for those couples with joint bank accounts.
If you notice there’s less money in your (joint) bank account than there should be, something ‘fishy’ may be going on; secret dinners, gifts, vacations, and hotel rooms aren’t going to pay for themselves, after all.
Hostility, Anger, or Moodiness
Many things can go through the mind of someone that is cheating on their partner, and these thoughts and emotions can manifest themselves in a number of different ways.
It could be out of guilt, shame, anger, spite, or the belief that their actions are justified, but if you notice your partner is more irritable or hostile towards you, or other weird changes in their behavior, it could be a sign that something is weighing down their mind.
Even if it’s not infidelity, sudden changes in mood often warrant a discussion with your partner, especially if you’re on the receiving-end of some of the more nasty moods.
What should you do if your spouse is cheating on you?
If you followed the signs and have discovered that your partner is, in fact, cheating on you, it can feel like your whole world is crashing down around you. Simply put: it sucks (and that’s an understatement).
But now that you’ve found out the truth, it’s time to figure out what to do, how to cope, and most importantly, how to move on.
Remember that it’s not your fault
Sometimes people blame themselves for their partner’s infidelity. Other times, the cheater will dump the blame on the victim.
Regardless of the reason for your partner’s infidelity, remember:
It is not your fault. It takes two people to cheat. And communication is a two-way street.
So take some deep breaths, and before you blame yourself (or let yourself get blamed), remember that regardless of the reasoning behind your partner’s infidelity, they made the decision for themselves to participate.
Talk to Someone
It’s important to remember that whatever you’re going through, you don’t have to go through it alone.
Look to your support network, and talk to those that you trust and are able to confide in. Your loved ones, close friends, and family all make excellent people to talk to. If you aren’t able to rely on those close to you, consider seeking the help of a professional.
A therapist, counsellor, or support group are all great ways to get the help and support you need during this difficult time. What’s most important is that you speak to someone that you trust, and that you know has your best interests in mind.
Don’t let your anger make the (important) decisions
Almost everyone is guilty of doing or saying something that they wish they could take back, especially when our emotions get the best of us.
If you’ve discovered that your partner has betrayed your trust and cheated on you, you have every right to be angry.
Though it’s important to express your emotions and do what’s best for you, making important decisions while calm and after consideration will almost always result in a better outcome.
Don’t let your anger dictate what happens to the future of your family
Regardless if you decide to leave your partner, or give them another chance and work through the situation, it’s important to give yourself a bit of time to cool off so you make the best decision for yourself, your family (especially if you have kids), and your future.
After you’ve given it some consideration and can face your partner (somewhat calmly), remember to…
Define Clear Boundaries
Once you’ve sought the comfort and counseling of your support network, and have considered the best actions to take moving forward, it’s important to define clear boundaries for yourself, and the relationship.
If you decide to give them another chance, be sure to continue to honest communication with your partner. You want to be able to trust your partner again, and to be sure that a repeat of their actions won’t happen; and the only way to really be sure about those things is through communication with your partner. If you’re (both) determined to make the relationship work, consider seeking professional advice, like couple’s counseling, to have an expert help guide you towards a healthier relationship.
If you decide to call it quits, it’s still important to have an honest and open conversation with your partner. If you have children together, being able to communicate calmly with one another will be especially important for their (mental and emotional) wellbeing.
Whichever direction you decide to take things, you need to lay it out clearly for them, and encourage honest dialogue and communication between the two of you; even if just for the sake of closure. And remember, you’re strong, it’s not your fault, and you don’t have to go through it alone.